The Blurred Line between Positivity and Toxic Positivity
What is toxic positivity? How can positivity be toxic? Aren’t we always told to look at the bright side? Isn’t positivity supposed to make us feel….positive?
Before I dive any deeper, I’d like to mention that I am not a pessimist, however, I am also not one of those people who fervently digs for ‘positive in every single situation no matter how dire’. I believe in balance.
Being overly negative isn’t a right thing but being overly positive doesn’t do any good either, it only suppresses your true emotions which may later express themselves in unwanted ways or cause anxiety.
Throughout this article I will mention several phrases which we hear often, usually to make ourselves or other’s feel better. But do they really work?
Basics of toxic positivity
Toxic or Dismissive Positivity means having an overly generalised positive outlook ; forcing yourself or others to always be positive or think only positive as if that is the only way of dealing with everything in life. It means denying the other end of the spectrum i.e your true emotions in the moment.
It could also mean, telling a trauma-survivor to ‘find good’ in their trauma, for example “it made you stronger” or “it could be worse”.
These and several other statements that are nonchalantly used in daily life lead to invalidation of a person’s genuine sadness, anger, pain and also disconnection from reality- as if feeling negative emotions is something wrong.
It includes hiding, ignoring, disregarding or rejecting one’s true emotions.
Some examples :
- You lost a loved one and your friend tells you “Don’t think too much about it/everything happens for good”
- You share your grief and someone says “At least you have/don’t have xyz”
- when someone is going through a tough time and you say “you shouldn’t worry about it, try to be positive. Smile more, happiness is a choice”
These statements may have been said with good intentions but aren’t necessarily the most comforting or supportive.
How is it toxic?
When you force yourself to be positive, even when you don’t feel like it, you are denying yourself the moment to experience & understand your feelings and make sense out of it. This may repress them and repressed emotions/feelings only get worse with time.
It creates stigma. It may make you feel as if your issues aren’t that serious or worthy of attention, since there are people who are struggling more than you.
It can also make the listener feel unheard or invalidated ; as if the speaker is unable to gauge the depth of the listener’s suffering.
Toxic positivity can create cognitive dissonance-causing mental conflicts and guilt for experiencing unhappy emotions.
A salient feature of TP is that it is artificial.
It leads to bottling up of emotions, literally. This prevents catharsis. Imagine a bottle filled with a fizzy liquid of strong emotions, corked up with (toxic) positivity, for a long time. One gentle shake and the trapped emotions burst out in an uncontrollable stream. Another term for which could be-emotional breakdown.
It is important to realise that our negative emotions, even though they feel uncomfortable, are an inevitable part of us. Masking them with ‘positive thoughts’ won’t make them disappear.
What about the ‘bright side’?
The truth is, sometimes there isn’t a bright side to a situation and it’s okay. I do not say this to make you feel hopeless. At times, life sucks and acceptance is better than playing hide and seek. I have learnt that it takes patience and persistence to make through the dark times. It should never be forgotten that we, as humans, are immensely resilient beings.
So, what is Positivity, for real?
We all need a certain level of optimism to keep ourselves mentally healthy and keep us going when it gets crazy and hazy outside. Positive thinking plays a key role in stress management.
“Healthy Positivity is coping with negative emotions through positive thinking strategies without denying that pain’s right to be there.” - thedailypositive.com
Healthy Positivity encapsulates wonderful elements like Acceptance, Support, Validation, Hope & Encouragement.
Genuine Optimism instills courage, hope and confidence. It is accepting when circumstances are unfavourable while knowing that you possess the strength to surmount the challenges. The main aim of Positivity is to alleviate the situation.
Validation & Encouragement sounds like :
- “ It’s normal feel this way”
- “It’s okay to cry”
- “I’m sure it feels hard to be positive in this situation. How can I help you?”
- “Do you want to talk about it? I’m here to listen/I’m here with you.”
- “This is really sad. I can understand what you’re feeling right now”
- “My feelings matter. What can I do to feel better?” {self-validation}
- “My hardships and failures don’t define me” {self-validation}
Words do make a difference.
